When you are sorrowful look again in your heart, and you shall see that in truth you are weeping for that which has been your delight. -Kahlil Gibran The Prophet

it started with three months, add thirteen and we find today.

a seven hour layover in dallas,

just enough time to deplete the strands of anticipation

and fill my stomach instead with anxiety and loss.

16 months ago it was all adventure, spanish and fleeting.

today it is the guido, community and invested.

i can see how the transition happened.

i chose it.

and now i am choosing to leave it.

all of it.

full of doubt i falter

feeling the tears of alicia and maria on my cheeks

seeing dustin in his new studio

imagining krysta alone in that space

hugging felicia one last time

i can't say i have ever felt confident in directing this life of mine.

every application, each new city, all travels to foreign lands and cultures -

every endeavor is wrapped in layers of self-doubt and hesitation.

consistently choosing to walk into the unknown, i am always uncertain.

and this time is no different:

is now really the time to be leaving all those mint walls, small hands and portones?

the jury is out.